Engaging Conflict

It doesn't take long for the corrosive habits associated with too much-- or too little-- conflict to affect a team's vitality. Left unaddressed, it can suck the zip out of everyone's time and energy. Including yours.

Harmful conflict can grow from a single event or from a series of micro-transactions. While every situation is different, I've found that at the heart of these ruptures there's almost always an experience by one or both of feeling disrespected.

Many of us are quite skilled at erroneously inferring disrespect, and it's ultimately uncovered as one big giant misunderstanding.  Yet sometimes the presence of low respect is exactly what's going on.

When they're going at it, the players involved are often in some variation of a win-lose dynamic, where of course, "winning" is a delusion. Losers plotting revenge is an age-old pastime. 

As real or perceived injuries fester, we humans have a wide array of revenge options. Who on occasion hasn't been some version of frosty, argumentative, unavailable, or withholding to those by whom we feel wronged?

As a leader, you'll want to notice behavioral evidence of destructive conflict. Sometimes it's the positive teaming behaviors you don't see that's the issue. Beware of the tendency to let things get deadly cold or roasting hot before stepping in. Leaders I've worked with very often resolve to intervene sooner vs later in these situations.    

If and when it gets to the point where you think a 3rd party would be useful, I can help.

When I work with individuals, dyads, or teams in conflict engagement, I first meet privately with each individual. I hear their story, the good/bad/ugly. We focus on handling feelings such as blame and defensiveness. I presume each person contributes to the situation in some way, and invite them to identify what that might be for them. We discuss the sanity-producing benefits of assuming good motives, and how best to check out whether those assumptions are accurate.

When we all get together, I guide them through the process of sharing their stories. They learn to talk about the tough things in a way that can be heard. And how to listen and respond to the tough things without being defensive. 

It usually takes more than one session before they're ready to talk about agreements. Hopping to that stage too soon is tempting, yet outcomes are predictably superficial.

Most of the time your intervention will make things better, but not only because the two sides have begun repair attempts. No matter what happens between the two parties, dynamics are healthier because the rest of the team learns (directly or indirectly) that out-of-bounds behaviors get addressed. This reassurance of safety is an important way you're nurturing the culture of your team.

Between the two parties? When they hear each others' stories, they almost always hear things that make hard edges want to soften. It's not an absolute, but it's very common to see empathy take root. Behavioral agreements are made, and follow-up sessions are scheduled to support sustainability. You'll be involved in the follow-ups.

Increased understanding is guaranteed.

Transformation is possible.