Befriending Our Shadow: the Arrogant, the Confusing, the Cranky

I had a typical OD (organization development) process consultant’s portfolio: helping teams work through obstacles to doing their best work. All officially good stuff, yet I had a nagging sense I was too often skating over the surface of what could make a more powerful difference in how people work together.

This inkling deepened as more and more, clients would end our meetings by saying something like, “Now that we’ve talked about xyz, can talk about something that’s been bugging the heck out of me?”

And then whatever was gnawing at them would come out: feeling off, inexplicably irritable, under-appreciated by their boss, mistrustful of their peers, etc. The messy stuff of being a human being at work with other human beings.

This felt like deeper work, and led me to search for specialized training in helping leaders learn more about their personal shadow — before working on their persona. Finding what I wanted, I spent two years studying ontological coaching — a fancy word for the study of BEING. As in, Who-Am-I-Being-While-I’m-Doing-What-I-Do?

In the process, I learned to befriend my own shadowy parts, like how I can dodge authenticity in order to avoid criticism and rejection. Among other things – hardly worth mentioning. (heh heh) This way of thinking is the portal through which I now see the world. It leads to a whole new conversation.

I still focus with my clients’ on goal attainment, yet it’s with the recognition that the energy they bring into a room is predictably even more impactful than the words they’re speaking. We focus on what brings out their best, and how to prevent their worst.

I believe that befriending our entire mojo—including understanding our shadow– is the most important step we’ll want to take if our goal is to make a positive difference– whether we’re leading a company, a team, our family, or simply our own lives.

It’s tough and humbling work. It’s also where the real fun starts.